In the lead up to Noah’s first birthday someone said “you can’t really celebrate his birthday there is nothing to celebrate”. Just like that my heart was shattered all over again. Now this person may not have understood the full extent of the damage a throw away comment like this would cause but in a roundabout way they just told me that my baby didn’t matter, he wasn’t worth celebrating. This could not be farther from the truth, he is just as deserving of celebration as someone who has a lived a very long life. Although his life was short it wasn’t out of purpose, nor was it not worthy. So let me break down a few of the reasons I will celebrate such a beautiful little boys, tragically short life. I will do it in the simplest of terms so even those who make senseless remarks like those will understand.
He is my son.
This is the most important of reasons, yes he died but he is still and always will be my second born son. Death doesn’t change this fact, it can’t. A mothers love is eternal, I will love him til my dying breath so I will celebrate him til then too. We wouldn’t expect a mother not to celebrate her living children’s birthdays, would we? So why is it any different when our babies are dead? It simply isn’t, people are just too closed off from the idea to acknowledge that. This needs to change, celebrating our babies that are not here should not be frowned upon, we should not be judge for simply doing what any other mother would do. So because of this I will celebrate Noah just like I celebrate Oliver, as I am his mother and that is what mothers do.
His birthday is still his birthday.
Noah’s birthday, the 18th January 2019 was the day we waited 42 weeks for, we prepared all this time for that day. The day we met our little man for the first time, looked into his beautiful big eyes and told him that we loved him more than he will ever know. It was the only day we were given with him, you see Noah died at 32 hours old so his birthday was the only time we really got to spend with him. It was the only day in my entire life that I could hold him, feel his heart beating and see the life rushing around his body. The only day I was given to physically be his mother; I changed his nappies, his clothes, I fed him, comforted him, heard his little cry and shared him with the world. It was the day Oliver became a big brother for the first time and seeing them together was a moment I had waited my entire life for and I never even knew it. It was one of the best days of my life, a day that I will cherish deeply forever. A birthday is still a birthday even if that person as died. If that is’t a reason to celebrate it then please tell me what is because maybe I have the wrong concept of what a celebration is.
His life had a purpose.
Now I know this may be a difficult one for most to fathom as his life was short but it was not in vain, his life had purpose. Yes even I may have found that difficult to believe after he first died but it really did, he saved me. I was in dark place when we discovered his pregnancy, a really dark place and I didn’t want to admit it to myself let alone anyone else, but he dragged me out of it. Because of him I got myself out of the gutter and started to work on myself, I learnt that although bad things in life happen you should always find a way to search for the light and to appreciate the positives.
[My sweet boy you taught me more than I ever thought I needed to know, because of this you helped me to cope with your death].
I know it probably sounds daft but he really did, he helped me deal with grief and because of the things he taught me I made a promise that, although I was deeply heartbroken I would not let myself fall back into that same gutter he helped me out of. I owed him that much.
Like his life his death taught me things, it taught me not to take life for granted because in the blink of an eye it could be all over. Because of this I spent the next year doing things for me, doing what I wanted when I wanted to do them. It taught me who mattered in life, who was there for real and who was just around for the fun. The friends that stuck around will be my friends for life, I know that and I am forever grateful for this. Because of him I love harder than I have ever loved before, I empathize more than I knew was humanly possible and I see the world and it’s people so very differently. He taught me to always be kind because you really haven’t got a clue what somebody else is going through.
He is just as deserving as anyone else.
You see when an older relative dies we still celebrate on their birthdays, some may do it in small simple way like raising a glass to them, others have big parties and splash out and some may spend the day doing something that their relative loved doing. It’s normal isn’t it? And we don’t ever question it because they lived a long life, they achieved things and we love them. So why can’t we do the same for our babies? Because their lives were short? Because they didn’t get the chance to celebrate their own birthdays? No I call bullsh*t on that, we can. Even if society hasn’t caught up yet and people are terrified of talking about the death of a baby, they deserve the same celebrations as an older relative. Yes celebrating the birthday of baby who will never be here to celebrate it is bittersweet but that doesn’t mean they are not worthy of celebrating. I feel that because Noah isn’t here it is my job, as his mother to celebrate for him, so I don’t want to make his birthday a sad time, I want it to be a time of love and celebration. It is something I will do year after year and honestly, I will stick my middle finger up to anyone who disapproves.
Although some of these reasons have occurred through immense grief they are all worth celebrating and they wouldn’t have come without him so he is worth celebrating. Yes his life was short but that doesn’t make him unworthy of celebration, so like any mother I will celebrate, scream him from the rooftops and nothing will change that. For those of you who are not bereaved parents reading this please have an open mind and please think before you speak, what you may think is just a simple comment to a bereaved parent may have just broken their incredibly fragile heart. Lets create a world where these things don’t happen, where we can live together as one not terrified of one another.
Searching for the light 