Loss, life & motherhood
I wish I could sit and tell them about the little boy they would have known. All about the friend they’d have if only he could have grown. Share stories of magical adventures you’ll never get the chance to see. Instead I must walk on past keeping his memory deep within me. So, I wonder… Continue reading First day of school
Some days I breathe, Others it’s as if I am lost in a fog of smoke so thick I can barely see what is right in front of me. The darkness spreads like wildfire, until it has engulfed everything in its path. I roam around desperately gasping for air, fighting to find a way out.… Continue reading The cycle of grief
For me, Mother’s Day is the only day of the year that sheds a light on the contrariety of my motherhood. It is a constant fluctuation between gratitude and grief. It is simultaneously experiencing moments of pure joy and intense sorrow. It is feeling incredibly lucky for my two earth-side yet longing to be with… Continue reading Mother’s Day
7th March 2018. Just another ordinary day with you safely tucked away. Then it started. The blood. The pain. The trauma. The heartbreak of loosing you began. I knew it within an instant but a little flicker of hope lingered, at least until we knew for sure. “Scan, HCG, let’s see you in a week”“Spontaneous… Continue reading 5 years on
The unfilled stocking An empty chair, One less present that should be there. Two missing footsteps, Your absent grin, Our profound heartache buried deep within. His weeping mother, A broken father, Their fractured smiles are a suit of armour. No first nativity, Too much unknown, Her longing to watch how you’d have grown. It’s different… Continue reading An empty Christmas
Another year, another birthday,Still there is no sound.No presents ripping openNo giggles from the fun.No parties full of dancing,Or gathering around.No last minute dash for things we forgot,No need to shop at all. The silence of your birthday,It really is quite loud.An empty, stark reminder,Of all the things that should have been,A three year old… Continue reading The silent birthday
Today is mental health awareness day and up until 2018 I had always looked at this month from an outsiders point of view. I'd never known what it felt like to struggle with my mental health, up until I had my first miscarriage my life was pretty much plain sailing. In March 2018 that all… Continue reading Mental health and I – Mental health awareness day 2021
It’s just a simple smile. I mean do we ever really think about it when it happens? It appears without warning and leaves just the same and we rarely take a second to acknowledge it. It’s warm, it’s happy and it feels good. It’s something that just comes naturally, we were born to know how.… Continue reading Still I smile
Mum worry is the hardest. It comes hand in and with the overwhelming sensation to protect our children from all of the terrible things that life has to throw. But what happens when we simply can’t? Often life doesn’t pan out how we planned it and there are going to be things that we just… Continue reading When we simply cannot protect them
I just want to be okay. Like really okay, not sometimes okay or nearly okay. Actually okay. I want to mean it when I say that I am. I want this weight to lift from chest. I don’t want to feel it being crushed every second of the day. I want to breathe. Deeply and… Continue reading I guess I’m just not okay.
Searching for the light 