Dear Sunshine,

This isn’t the childhood I wanted for you. It isn’t the path I imagined we would walk together all those years ago. I hoped we’d be happier, I hoped you’d be oblivious to the bad in the world for a little bit longer and I hoped I’d be able to protect you from it. Sadly this isn’t how it works, we simply just get dealt what we are dealt and have to make the most of it and we are truly trying.

But still I’m sorry. I’m sorry that death and grief sprung into your life at such a young age. You were only 2 when we lost your nana, still too young to fully understand but you felt the absence, the sorrow and grief that surrounded us. It didn’t stop there either did it? I’m sorry a few years later you suffered the loss of your brother. Your world imploded that day just as much as ours did. The dynamic in our household changed forever, your parents changed forever and so did you. I’m sorry you have witnessed your father and I at our very lowest and because of that some days we haven’t been able to be the best parents to you possible. It has been far from easy for you, I know that but I have never been more proud of you than I am today, you take it all in stride and care so deeply about everyone that surrounds you.

I’m sorry that covid struck and took away what was supposed to be our year. We came into 2020 with our hearts healed ever so slightly, less anxious and with a o much more confidence to own our shit until… Covid hit. It was the year I promised you I’d be better, we had so many plans but I promise they are only on hold not cancelled. I’m sorry that covid stole a part of your childhood that you will never get back. Time with your friends and family that can never be replaced. I’m just sorry and I wish I could change everything. I really do.

I’m sorry we passed on our faulty genes and as a result you’re results came back for VLCADD like your brother. I’m sorry. I know it’s not intentionally my fault but my god I wish so very badly that I didn’t. You’ve already been through so much and now you have to face the anxiety from the unpredictability of this disease every single day of your life. It sucks, I know it does and it will always be there but I also know that no matter what you will be brace, courageous and strong and never let it stop you from being who you want to be. You are a true inspiration to even the adults in the world because you will not let this disease define you. Only you have that power, define yourself when you are ready.

I want you to know that I could not be more proud of you. Despite all of the crap that has been thrown your way you have grew into the most wonderful little boy, who is kind, gentle, caring and sensitive. You are funny, hilariously so and never fail to shed light on any situation. You make me want to be the best version of myself, because of you I work harder, I love harder and laugh harder. I am in awe of your brilliance that only makes you love you more and more every day. Nobody in this world compares to you.

So give a huge middle finger to life’s woes and say I’ve got this because my beautiful little sunshine you do and I will be by your side routing for you every step of the way.

Love,

Mum xxx