This is a phrase that has been playing on my mind lately. When talking about my precious Noah people ask “have you thought about trying again?” or “do you think you will try again?”. Now its not the fact they are suggesting having more children that bothers be but its the “try again” part I find hard to accept. Trying again implies that there has been some kind of failure, for example if you fail your driving test you are told “don’t worry you can always try again” or if you don’t get the job “you just have to keep trying”. I want to make it perfectly clear to everyone, Noah was not and will never be a failure. He may have only lived for one day but his life mattered, he was real and he was mine. Trying again will not fill this emptiness that causes my entire body to ache.
I often wonder weather people would ask me the same question if it had been Oliver that we lost and not Noah but they simply wouldn’t because how could you replace a 4 year old? The same goes for Noah, he is my son just as much as Oliver is, he was just as real and just as loved. Nothing can and never will replace him.
Maybe one day we will decide to have another baby, but it will not be “trying again” it will simply be expanding our family of 4 to a family of 5.
Searching for the light 